<h2>Some heading</h2><p>A reality that every <em>single adult comes</em> to understand is that getting and staying healthy requires discomfort. <strong>We may wish it was way easier than that, but there is just no avoiding discomfort if we want to be healthy</strong>. The following are just a few examples this principle:</p><ul><li><p><strong>Gym:</strong> Avoiding the discomfort of the gym does not get you in shape</p></li><li><p><strong>Running:</strong> Avoiding the discomfort of running will not prepare you for a race</p></li><li><p><strong>Diet:</strong> Avoiding the discomfort of green things is not going to get you to a healthy diet</p></li></ul><p>But this is not just a true principle in the physical world, it is equally true in the relational world.</p>

<h3>A reality that every single</h3><p>single adult comes to understand is that getting and staying healthy requires discomfort. <strong>We may wish it was way easier than that, but there is just no avoiding discomfort if we want to be healthy</strong>. The following are just a few examples this principle:</p>

<p>A reality that every single adult comes to understand is that getting and staying healthy requires discomfort. <strong>We may wish it was way easier than that, but there is just no avoiding discomfort if we want to be healthy</strong>. The following are just a few examples this principle:</p><ul><li><p><strong>Gym:</strong> Avoiding the discomfort of the gym does not get you in shape</p></li><li><p><strong>Running:</strong> Avoiding the discomfort of running will not prepare you for a race</p></li><li><p><strong>Diet:</strong> Avoiding the discomfort of green things is not going to get you to a healthy diet</p></li></ul><p>But this is not just a true principle in the physical world, it is equally true in the relational world.</p>

<h2>Some heading</h2><h4>one last heading</h4><blockquote><p>A reality that every single adult comes to understand is that getting and staying healthy requires discomfort. <strong>We may wish it was way easier than that, but there is just no avoiding discomfort if we want to be healthy</strong>. The following are just a few examples this principle</p></blockquote>

<p>A reality that every single adult comes to understand is that getting and staying healthy requires discomfort. <strong>We may wish it was way easier than that, but there is just no avoiding discomfort if we want to be healthy</strong>. The following are just a few examples this principle:</p><ul><li><p><strong>Gym:</strong> Avoiding the discomfort of the gym does not get you in shape</p></li><li><p><strong>Running:</strong> Avoiding the discomfort of running will not prepare you for a race</p></li><li><p><strong>Diet:</strong> Avoiding the discomfort of green things is not going to get you to a healthy diet</p></li></ul>

<p>But this is not just a true principle in the physical world, it is equally true in the relational world.</p>

Have you experienced this principle at work in your life or witnessed it in someone else’s life? What did that look like?

<h3>Just like physical health, relational health demands periodic discomfort</h3><p>Just like our physical bodies require us to endure temporary discomfort to enjoy health, so our relationships can demand the same. If we desire to have truly authentic, honest, and productive relationships, then we will periodically have to endure the temporary discomfort of difficult conversations.</p><p>We all learn how to build and maintain relationships that exist primarily on a surface level. While these may be appropriate and expedient for casual contexts, those are not the type of relationships we truly celebrate or appreciate over time. Those are not the type of relationships that make our workplace enjoyable or maximize productivity over the long haul.</p><p>Think about your close personal relationships. Isn’t at least part of what makes those friendships valuable that they are the people willing to tell you things that other people can’t or won’t? Even if we don’t like hearing their critique in the moment, most of us reflect on that kind of courageous honesty with appreciation over time.</p>

<p>The bottom line is that avoiding uncomfortable (but necessary) conversations will not lead to healthy relationships. What’s worse is that the opposite is true. Avoiding discomfort will put our health at risk. Lying on the couch is more comfortable than going to the gym, but until we experience the discomfort of exercise we won’t get in better shape, and if all we do is lay on the couch we will eventually experience the harmful results of our choices. The unavoidable reality is that:</p><p><strong>BOTTOM LINE: Health Demands Discomfort</strong></p>

<p>We spend more time around our colleagues at work than we do around our good friends. If we desire to truly enjoy a workplace where we invest so much of our life, isn’t it worth our effort to do our part in building and maintaining the healthiest relationships possible?</p>

Health Demands Discomfort

Having conversations that are difficult, but healthy and necessary, is one of the most important things a leader must do.

<h3>Healthy Organizations Do the Uncomfortable Things</h3><p>So what, why does this matter? Because all work relationships, teams, and organizations are simply a collection of relationships focused on a common task. And the health of those teams and organizations is largely determined by the health of those relationships... which you and I significantly influence.</p><h4>Organizational and team health is primarily measured relationally</h4><p>Most work environments are measured and rewarded based on results. Were sales goals met, were profits increased, did we grow shareholder wealth? Certainly results are a necessary focus of every organization to make progress or stay in business. The best organizations or teams recognize that there is a vital correlation between results and the relationships necessary to achieve those results.</p><p>After all, organizations and teams are simply a collection of people in relationship to one another working towards a common goal. The quality of the results generated by those people is heavily influenced by the health of the relationships between colleagues. In every organization, leaders have the greatest influence on that health.</p>

<h3>Story</h3><p>As a college student, I loved to watch a show called Behind the Music on the cable channel VH1. It was a documentary show that focused primarily on the discovery and development and lifecycle of various bands, instead of on the music they were known for.</p><p>It only takes a few episodes to realize that every story follows a predictable path. A group of artists find each other, produce music that results in fame on fortune, eventually resulting in toxic relationships in which band members eventually refuse to speak to one another over time. While there are variations on the theme, if you watched the show you know exactly what I am talking about.</p><p>The point is that sustainable success and results over time were directly connected to the quality of the relationships. While there are examples of bands that produced a hit song or record while they were fighting, eventually the entire enterprise is undone because of relational dysfunction.</p>

<p>Any team or organization can produce a “hit”. Goals can be reached and projects delivered on time, but great organizations and teams that are able to produce consistent results over time must have healthy relationships. The people in a position to have the most impact on creating those relationships are the leaders.</p><p>If you are reading this, chances are you are leading something (or someday desire to lead) in your organization or another. You may not be the CEO or head of the division, but you are a leader. <strong>If you want to be an effective leader, a leader worth following, then there is no way to avoid learning how to effectively initiate and navigate difficult but necessary conversations.</strong></p><p>You know this because you have undoubtedly felt the pain and frustration of watching leaders who were either unwilling or unable to have those conversations. if you were to interview any team or organization you would discover a general consensus around whose behavior needed to be addressed. Most people know what needs to happen, they are simply wondering if the leader is going to act.</p><p>Just like you knew what your leaders needed to do, the people following you are asking the same question. Your team or organization is counting on you for more than just being a champion of the vision and strategy, performing the day-to-day tasks, and getting results. Organizations and teams that are striving for greatness count on leaders (like you) to help build and protect the health of the culture. To act and think as co-owners.</p>

What are examples of difficult conversations you knew needed to happen but didn’t in previous work experiences?

<h3>Putting off difficult things is dangerous</h3><p>There is a reason most leaders aren’t in any particular rush to have difficult conversations. Difficult conversations are uncomfortable, they’re hard. As leaders and co-owners, our choice in these situations is very important.</p><p>Every time one of these conversations is avoided or put off, it’s like skipping the gym or training run, but instead of us becoming a little less healthy as a person we become a little less healthy as a team. Put it off exercise long enough and there will be more and more evidence of your lack of health. The same is true with avoiding the discomfort of uncomfortable conversations.</p><p>Have you ever avoided the discomfort of exercise for so long that you just ended up in great shape? No? Me either. Have you ever avoided an uncomfortable conversation for so long that the situation just go better? Of course not. The reality is that <strong>avoiding the periodic but necessary difficult conversations over time will produce unhealthy and artificial cultures</strong>.</p>

What is the healthiest and unhealthiest team or organizational culture you’ve been a part of? What characterized each?

<h3>Niceness leads to artificial harmony and ultimately to un-health</h3><p>What often happens is that a team or organization settles for a veneer of “niceness”. When a culture is unsafe or the cost of conflict is just too high, it is avoided. Genuine issues that need to be addressed for the good of the individual, the team, or the organization are ignored and replaced by a disingenuous state.</p><p>Consultant Patrick Lencioni refers to this as “artificial harmony”. It is not real harmony at all because the real issue, the “it”, the thing that needs to be talked about, persists.</p><p>A gap develops between how we outwardly act and how we inwardly feel. There are "meetings after the meeting" where contributions are picked apart or mocked. There is a general rise in relationships that lack authenticity and integrity. Organizations begin to get more comfortable talking <em>about</em> people instead of talking <em>to</em> people.</p><p>“Artificial harmony” is when we pretend to get along on the outside but there are a lot of unresolved issues under the surface.</p><ul><li><p>You know that feeling when you are in the middle of a family fight and the neighbor rings the doorbell?</p></li><li><p>At work, you know that feeling when everybody plays nice during the team meeting and then the private meeting goes very differently?</p></li></ul>

Where have you experienced “artificial harmony” in your previous work experiences. What behaviors characterized or contributed to this culture?

<p>So what is the big deal? So what if we don't confront one another all the time? So what if we make some decisions to get along, is that so bad?</p><h3>Artificial harmony is expensive</h3><p>The problem is that artificial harmony creates an unhealthy culture over time which undermines the organization. We tend to count the cost of harmony on a very limited basis. We think, "if I have a hard conversation is it worth introducing the relational disruption that will result?"</p><p>But what is an organizational culture except the sum of the behaviors and feelings of a group of people working together? When you choose to avoid conflict it is not simply one transaction. When you add together all the individual transactions you get an unhealthy culture. The truth is that artificial harmony carries with it an enormous cost.</p><p>Not only is this costing us organizationally, it is also costing us personally. It is a vital part of our personal growth process. When faced with uncomfortable conversations, there is no such thing as neutrality. We either move towards or away from health. The leader decides which it will be.</p><p>Listen to the observation of author and organizational consultant Patrick Lincioni after studying thousands of organizations:</p><blockquote><p>In all of the organizations I have studied…I’ve found there is a continuum of sorts. At one end of that continuum is no conflict at all. I call this artificial harmony, because it is marked by a lot of false smiling and disingenuous agreement around just about everything, at least publicly.</p></blockquote><p>The avoiding option creates an unhealthy culture in the team. Unhealthy behaviors repeated over time equals an unhealthy culture.</p><p><strong>Unhealthy Behaviors × Time = Unhealthy Culture</strong></p>

Healthy Organizations Do the Uncomfortable Things

<h3>Great leadership is defined by responses to difficulty</h3><p>When does leadership truly matter? It matters most when things aren’t easy. It is not hard to lead when everything is up and to the right. It is not hard to lead the victory parade. Leadership really matters when things are challenging, uncomfortable, or difficult. Leadership matters when there is a necessary but uncomfortable conversation that needs to be had.</p><p>There are all kinds of moments that demand uncomfortable conversations.</p><h3>Leaders have two options, address or avoid</h3><p>Option 1 - we can proactively address the uncomfortable but necessary conversations.</p><p>Option 2 - we can admit we are not willing to do what it takes to achieve health.</p><ul><li><p>“I am not willing to go to the gym”</p></li><li><p>“I am not willing to do the training run”</p></li><li><p>“I am just not willing to do what it takes to be healthy”</p></li><li><p>“We are all going to just pretend that Bob’s door greeting behavior is normal.”</p></li></ul><h4>Addressing difficult conversations creates confidence and stability in those who follow</h4><p>You believe this. If there is someone in your world who you have no authority over, but you know is somehow harming the team, your engagement will be different depending on the willingness of their leader to deal with the situation.</p>

<h3>&nbsp;Story</h3><h6>I was working with the leader of a small non-profit who was regularly lamenting the behavior of one particular staff member who was apparently causing all kinds of organizational heartburn. In response to the obvious question of "why haven’t you dealt with it?", the leader expressed fear because this person was perceived to have a great deal of influence with donors.</h6><p>Eventually the situation deteriorated to the point that it demanded action, and the staff member was let go. There was some mess created as this person was released, but the leader remarked how productivity and morale from every other member of the team suddenly increased dramatically.</p><p>Exactly! Everyone on a team knows who needs to be dealt with, and many are reluctant to truly invest their full energy while that individual is allowed to wreak havoc unchecked. <strong>When a leader is willing to have the hard conversation the rest of the team feels greater freedom to give their all, because they know that bad behavior will not be tolerated</strong>.</p>

<p>Maybe there are people waiting to give you their best until you show a willingness to deal with the person that is holding the team back.</p><p>More is expected of leaders, and rightfully so. Everyone knows who needs to be talked to on the team in the same way that you know it. Teams know who they wish the leader would talk to. We feel good about leaders that take time to address individuals that need to be addressed, and the people following us want the same thing.</p><h3>Great leaders take responsibility for the health of their organization/team</h3><p>You can’t be a leader that truly cares about the people you are leading without a willingness to have difficult conversations.</p><p>Genuine care for the people who follow you involves having difficult but necessary conversations. As an analog, think of interventions. Who shows up at an intervention for an addict (a very difficult conversation)? Those that participate in an intervention are those that love the person.&nbsp;The essence of love is sacrifice - am I willing to sacrifice artificial harmony for the sake of this person?</p><p>Part of what it means to love another is to have a hard conversation. Sometimes the loving thing to do is to create some disharmony in the relationship in the short-term in order to help the person in the long term. Difficult conversations are some of the most loving things we can do for someone else.</p><p>And every skill has a learning curve, we will never get better at it without doing it.</p><h4>Avoiding difficult conversations leads to dysfunction</h4><p>If you see a team that is crippled by lack of trust, infighting, and dysfunction, there are really only two options. Either they are just so stubborn they would be unresponsive to any attempts to lead them, or the leader has failed to shape the culture.</p><p>Our tendency is to blame those that we are leading rather than ourselves, because as long as there is someone else to blame, there is nothing we need to work on. But as leaders, it is our responsibility to look ourselves in the mirror when things are not going well. At the root of many dysfunctional teams is a leader who has chosen to avoid difficult conversations.</p><p>While uncomfortable conversations are definitely hard, but they are not nearly as hard as we think. In fact, in the long run the choice to have them is actually easier than avoiding them. What we need is the same thing we need for every challenging endeavor: a strategy, a plan.</p>

Great Leaders Prioritize Health

<h3>Plans make uncomfortable things less uncomfortable</h3><p>Not only do we know that there is no health without some discomfort, we also know that getting healthy is always easier with a plan. Plans make it much easier to accomplish challenging things.</p><h4>There are plans for everything</h4><p>This is such a widely understood principle that there are literally plans for everything you would ever want to accomplish.</p><p>EXAMPLES:</p><ul><li><p><strong>Couch to 10k -</strong>&nbsp;The website that has created a plan for going from your couch to a 10K begins by asking, “Can you walk for 1 hour? If you can walk for one hour we have a plan to get you to a 10K. If you cannot walk for one hour please click here for ‘From hammock to powerwalk’. "</p></li><li><p><strong>Diet plans anyone?</strong>&nbsp;- Not sure you have noticed but there are a few diet plans out there. Including the ‘Low carbon diet’ where the food you are eating has been transported with a minimum amount of greenhouse gas emissions.</p></li><li><p><strong>Gym Trainer -</strong>&nbsp;When you go to a gym the first thing they want you to do is meet with a trainer. Why, because they know you are much more likely to see results if you have a plan.</p></li></ul><h3>Uncomfortably healthy conversations go better with a plan</h3><p>Plans make hard things easier and seemingly impossible things possible. And just like there is a plan to run a 10K, run a marathon, and lose weight; there is also a plan for building and maintaining healthy relationships with uncomfortably healthy conversations.</p>

Getting Healthier is Easier With a Plan

<h3>STEP 1: Excavate the issue</h3><h4>At the heart of every difficult conversation is a reality that needs to be addressed</h4><p>The “it” that is causing the problems, <a target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer nofollow" href="https://res.cloudinary.com/do3xwjhta/image/upload/v1682276604/uploads/dj9yfguuv03pswe1gzsa.pdf">whatever it is</a>, will bother us until we address it. We find ourselves looking for conversations with other equally bothered people. Or we find ourselves driving in the car and having an imaginary conversation where we say what we really want to. Sometimes, when we see these people headed our way, we suddenly remember we forgot something and duck into the nearest closet.</p><p>We work around them, we roll our eyes when they share, and we vent to others. No matter how we are trying to cope, the problem does not seem to go away. And this strategy does not create healthy relationships or healthy cultures. In fact it does the opposite.</p><p>At the heart of every hard conversation is a reality. We may be able to name it explicitly, or it may be experienced more as a negative emotion. To get the most benefit out of a hard conversation, we must take the time to think our way to the heart of the matter.</p><p>The real issue is often covered by layers of emotion, frustration, etc. Uncomfortable conversations are often unnecessarily uncomfortable because people don’t do the work of peeling back all the layers that are not the real issue.</p><h4>Most issues are rooted in one of the 5 Cs (character, chemistry, culture, competence, clarity)</h4><p>A good first filter to use is to quantify, "What is the issue I am dealing with rooted in?". Below are five categories. They are not the perfect categories, but they have proved to be a helpful first sorting step for me. Feel free to use these or develop your own set of categories. The important part of this step is that it helps you get closer to identifying the real issue.</p><ul><li><p><strong>Character</strong> -&nbsp;A character issue can be moral and non-moral: entitlement, blame, work ethic, etc.</p></li><li><p><strong>Chemistry</strong> -&nbsp;Can they work with others? With me?</p></li><li><p><strong>Culture</strong> -&nbsp;Is there value alignment between them and the organization?</p></li><li><p><strong>Competence</strong> -&nbsp;Do they have the gifts and skills to do the job?</p></li><li><p><strong>Clarity</strong> -&nbsp;Have they received crystal clear expectations?</p></li></ul>

What categories would you add change or delete from this first step? 

<h3>STEP 2: Calculate Design Differences</h3><p>All of us are a combination of wiring, personality, experiences, values, and more.</p><p>The tension you are feeling may actually be rooted in the way their brain is wired differently than yours. To reach a place of healthy detachment, it is important to take time to understand these differences and how they are contributing to the problem.</p><p>In a previous job I was having a problem with a colleague who we'll call Tim. Part of what was fueling our challenge was a difference in the way we valued certain aspects of the job description. We read the same job description, but Tim placed an emphasis on relationships and I placed an emphasis on results.</p><p>Our wiring informs our perspective, and all perspectives are incomplete and biased.</p><h3>STEP 3 : Minimize emotional ‘noise’</h3><p>There are a variety of factors that introduce unhelpful emotional energy into an issue we need to have an uncomfortable conversation about. If we take the time to systematically address these factors prior to the conversation, we are set up for a much more effective conversation.</p><p>Reduce ‘noise’ to a minimum before the first conversation. Most difficult conversations are a response to some level of negative emotions. One of the reasons so many conversations go poorly is because they happen after there has been suppression of negative emotions and it ends up becoming an emotional outpouring instead of a helpful conversation.</p><p>Noise interferes with our ability to see clearly and respond productively. It is important to keep the emotional bank account from building to unhealthy levels. It is far better to have smaller, more frequent conversations than the periodic, "I can’t take it anymore" eruption.</p>

<h3>&nbsp;Story</h3><p>One of my ongoing personal struggles that manifests in the workplace is a desire to appear competent in everything I am doing. When people working with me do things that might reflect poorly on my competence, I get frustrated and angry. Years ago I was working with a young professional who was in one of their first jobs as an adult. Their performance was not meeting my standards and I became frustrated and even angry.</p><p>The difficult conversation I had with them to address the issue went very poorly. In hindsight, one big reason it did not go well was because I had not dealt with my negative emotions prior to the conversation. I was bringing with me so much additional emotional energy, that the real issue that really needed to be addressed had become obscured by the noise.</p>

<h4>Healthy detachment is a good indicator of readiness</h4><p>Most people make difficult conversations about themselves, but when it is coming from a place of love, it is mostly about the other person. <strong>Healthy detachment is when we are primarily driven out of something we want FOR them not FROM them</strong>.</p><p>When we have reached that place, we know we are ready.</p>

Conversation Game Plan (part 2)

<h3>STEP 4 : Begin with curiosity and questions</h3><p>Once we have done the heavy lifting internally, we are now ready for the conversation. The most effective approach is to start with genuine curiosity by asking plenty of discovery-based questions. This approach gives us the chance to discover information we did not have, and keeps our posture helpful.</p><p>This is not nearly as hard if you have done all the other work. If you truly believe that your perspective is incomplete, no matter how “right” it feels, then you can enter a conversation with genuine curiosity.</p><blockquote><p>“I view difficult conversations as a chance to get to know someone better.”</p></blockquote><h3>STEP 5 : Find emotional common ground</h3><p>The most effective approach to any issue is to connect on both a thinking and feeling level.&nbsp;We may be tempted to say we just need to explain this rationally and that will be enough to move the needle, but it's far more powerful if we can engage the other person's emotional brain.</p><p>If we want people to see what we see, then they have to feel what we feel. The reason that they're not seeing it the way we see it is because they don't feel about it the way we feel about it.</p><p>The way to do this is to reach into their world and find the emotional equivalent of the issue we are trying to get them to address. If we can get them to understand that the way they feel about that is the way we feel about this, we have a much better chance of making progress: <strong>"How you feel about THAT is how I feel about THIS"</strong>.</p><p>At the same time, it is important to have realistic expectations for the first conversation.</p><h3>STEP 6 : Follow Up Well</h3><p>It is important to have a plan for follow up prior to the first conversation. We need to give people space to process and grieve, but we also should expect that this is the first of several conversations. Usually, it can take three conversations to make progress.</p><p>The first conversation introduces the issue. The second conversation explores what the person heard, which is often significantly different than what you said. The third conversation is often where the most progress is made.</p><ul><li><p><strong>Give them space to grieve -&nbsp;</strong>All loss needs to be grieved, and difficult conversations create a sense of loss: trust, relationship, perception, etc. People will typically go through some form of the grief cycle, and they need the space to do it.</p></li><li><p><strong>Reestablish communication as quickly as possible -&nbsp;</strong>While you should expect the person to be upset, don’t fail to communicate. Quick communication will indicate care and concern, even if it is not ‘received’ immediately. The communication can be as simple as an email or a text.</p></li><li><p><strong>Affirm that you are for them -</strong>&nbsp;Remind them that you are FOR them. Again, that may not be received right away. However, once they have had time to process and let emotions die down, they will realize that someone who is willing to say the hard thing really does care about them.</p></li><li><p><strong>Ask what the other person heard -</strong>&nbsp;Don’t be surprised if what they heard differs dramatically from what you said or intended to say. Realize that the brain’s reaction to conflict can make it difficult to process criticism accurately. Often the second conversation is the most effective, since emotions have had a chance to die down.</p></li><li><p><strong>Schedule a follow up conversation sooner than later -&nbsp;</strong>Do not allow too much time to pass before you have a follow up conversation where you can hear what they heard, bring greater clarity, and begin to demonstrate that there is a way forward.</p></li></ul>

Difficult Conversations